The fourth chapter of my article “Tricks of the Trade”. See the first post here See the whole category here. There is only 1 more chapter! So get your learn on, and check back next Sunday!
Now, get to reading…
Chapter 4: Closing the Deal
These are my best kept secrets. Nothing is fail-proof, but I have found that these little tips are timeless truths. Half based on psychology, half on experience.
The key to unlock the door
The key element to women is ‘comfort’. If they feel comfortable with you, you’re in. A woman will sleep with a guy she doesn’t trust, but she won’t sleep with a guy that makes her uncomfortable. The trick here is to find out what she is looking for as far as that comfort goes. This can range from a sly smile to an inside joke, all the way to an in-depth conversation that the two of you shared. Smile, it makes everyone around you comfortable, and it’s almost impossible for her to not smile back. 😉
As far as boundaries, each woman is a case study in and of themselves so you have to be willing to adapt, and change direction as you go. Some will find sly/flirty remarks cute and enticing, some will not. So be careful not to overstep her boundaries. Once you’ve crossed over into the ‘taboo’ with a woman, coming back over the line is NEVER easy. You’ll find yourself labeled before you even finish your sentence. Set safe boundaries, and stick to them until she gives you the “all-clear”.
First impressions are important, but what most people fail to realize is that a first impression can go a much longer ways than the first 15 minutes. If you play your cards right, and stay within a comfortable boundary-zone, you can turn a not-so-good first impression into a great one by the end of the evening. No one has a great start every time.
Manner and speech
More important than what you say, is how you say it. Speak softly, but don’t mumble. Enunciate, and speak clearly, but take it down one volume notch to ensure that your target is making an effort to listen. No one likes the guy at the bar who yells every time he talks.
People (especially women) love to talk about themselves. Talk less, and listen more. Think about what you say before you say it. Here is a specific tool: When saying something that could be construed as a come-on, but isn’t obviously one, use a sly smile and raise one eyebrow just a bit. This makes it more comfortable for the person listening to swallow. If she’s in to you, it’s a come-on, if she’s not sure yet, it’s a lighthearted joke. Either way you can’t loose.
A Touch too much
Personally, I’ve never been big on the ‘touch-for-emphasis’ trick that you learn in public speaking classes. People react differently to physical contact, so it’s best to keep this trick in your bag until you are sure it’s safe to use. DO NOT over use the ‘touch-for-emphasis’ trick, or you’ll be the “guy who gropes everyone” in no time.
Most people don’t realize that their gestures and stance say more than their words. Think about how easy it is to make out a guy trying to pick up a girl at a bar or club without even having to hear what he’s saying. Body language speaks volumes. So relax, take it slow, and try not to crowd her. Remember that everyone wants what they can’t have, so if you’re not throwing yourself at her, she’ll be intrigued. Sit comfortably at the table, lean back and just ‘chill-out’. If you let her come to you, chances are, she will! Another body language point is eye contact. Be careful with this one. Try not to stare into her soul on the first date, which makes people uncomfortable. Make casual, non-threatening eye contact while she’s talking and you should be just fine. There’s nothing wrong with looking around the room during conversation, but if you spend your evening checking out the scenery (especially while listening) your target may feel like you’re not paying her enough attention.
Can’t you smell that smell?
Cologne can be your best friend, or your worst enemy. All too often I hear that the best applications of cologne are the neck and the ‘south-of-the-border region’. This couldn’t be more incorrect! The most important thing to remember about cologne is: Smells-great, tastes-bad. Try to get very little on your actual skin, a spray on the upper shirt area, one on the lower area, and a touch (not a spray) behind the ears, just below the earlobe. DO NOT spray cologne on your ‘southern-most-tip’.
Speaking of cologne, here’s a little trick that actually works pretty well: Scent is the strongest sense tied to memory. Immediately before picking up your date (given that you’re taking your car), hit the lower-back region of the passenger seat with a spray of your cologne, just one should do it. The smell will stick to her shirt, and when she’s at home later getting undressed, she’ll pull that shirt (and the cologne) right over her head and think about you. It’s a little sneaky, but “all is fair in love and war”.
This one is tricky, and there are really no rules that apply all of the time. I suggest that you stay away from the topic, without obviously avoiding it. This means, if she asks you a specific question, answer it, but don’t consider the door open from here-on-out. Once she’s ready to talk sex, she’ll let you know. Then, just use your best judgment. A big no-no here is talking sex while drunk. Try to keep the sex chat and the ‘truth-serum’ separated, at least at first.
Off color humor
Often when a guy ‘strikes-out’ with a girl during a meeting or first date it is often because of a few badly placed off-color jokes or comments. Your best bet here is to stick with general humor: Try to steer clear of religion, politics, and race. If she brings them up, listen and respond, but try not to go overboard. Learn some witty jokes, they make you look more intelligent and cultured.
“The April Theory”
In my experience, I have found that women (even when they aren’t attracted to you) will compete with other women for your attention. This is just what women do. The name of this theory (“The April Theory”) goes back about 6 or 7 years when I first came to realize how this worked. My target was this cute little redhead, and the competition was a girl named April. To be honest, I got burned pretty badly with this one the first time out, so pay attention and don’t make my mistakes!
Usually it plays out like this: You’ve been talking to your target, let’s call her “Nancy”. Nancy’s really hot friend “April” has been hanging around a bit keeping an eye on the situation, but not causing you any grief. April usually has something witty and funny to say at random points in your conversation with Nancy (this is how it starts). As April begins to realize that her friend Nancy is into you, she starts some light-friendly competition for your attention. Body language is huge with this one. April will start leaning in when speaking to you, and being flirty with Nancy. When this happens, be sure to involve them both in the conversation. DO NOT concentrate your efforts solely on April.
Be careful here, let the women compete, but try your best not to force them into a choice. The point here is the chase, not the finish line. Once April knows she can have you if she wants, this game is over. Even worse than that, when the game ends, Nancy won’t want to have anything to do with you because she was your second choice. This is a powerful tool, but can burn you in an instant if you use it incorrectly.
Beware of the ‘girl’s night out’
It is so tempting to approach a group of women on a ‘girl’s night out’ with a few wing-men. Don’t do it! These little groups are almost always an instant shut-down disguised as an easy target. The ‘girl’s night out’ group will toy with you, tear you apart, and probably set you up as the butt of their inside-jokes for the rest of the night. In my opinion, the only way in to the ‘girl’s night out’ group is the ‘single and looking’ girlfriend (there’s usually one). Just be careful, as her friends will most likely be testing you. Let them come to you; if you make the first move, you’ll probably find yourself in the ‘7th circle of dating hell’.
Finishing it off
So, you’ve been working a girl all night and it’s about time to head home. What now? If you live alone, or with roommates, this is an open opportunity to invite her back for drinks and hanging out. Always invite more than just her your first time out, unless the signals are blatantly displayed that she wants to be alone with you.
Some basic rules:
- Try to steer clear of the obvious “come home with me” clichés, and make sure she’s not plastered-drunk.
- Invite one to two of your friends and one to two of hers back with you (try for the same number of women to men).
- Have a large range of drinking/snacking products available at home.
- Music: Retro, soft techno, or 80’s-90’s is your best bet. Nothing too loud or too genre-specific.
- Candles, preferably vanilla scented. Don’t light the whole place up, just two or three candles in two or three different (but adjoining) rooms.