MyExWifeIsAWhore.com

I know that title goes without saying (especially on my blog) but I couldn’t think of another title that encompassed this hilarity.

TalkingPoints link |   CBS 13 link

“It’s no good for a family values Republican to get picked up on a DUI. But substantially worse to get picked up for a DUI after leaving a gay nightclub with an unidentified man in a state vehicle.” … “In better days Ashburn, a fierce opponent of gay rights, was fighting marriage equality and organizing anti-gay marriage rallies as part of his “Traditional Family Values” campaign.”

To quote a friend of mine:

“this is why I love republicans.  It’s like they suffer from “The lady doth protest too much” syndrome.”

You just can’t make this shit up.

UPDATE:  The senator has admitted he is gay.

Being so active on the internet, I come across a large quantity of “scare media”.  By scare media, I mean videos that proclaim the end of the world, blog posts that cry polar ice caps are going to destroy all of the coastal US, and such.  Generally speaking, the premise of this media is based on something true, or “true-ish”, and blown out of proportion for the purposes of swaying political votes, encouraging web site visits, or just breed fear (here’s a great example).

However, the latest installment of media forwarded to me actually is playing out pretty interestingly.  Jerry Day, a self-proclaimed news broadcaster has put out a video which seems a bit conspiracy theory at first.  So, I did some research, and uncovered some interesting facts.

The Census website boasts “One of the shortest forms in history – 10 Questions in 10 Minutes“, and shows you a sample form.  But if you dig around you’ll find the ACTUAL questionnaire which includes questions like (actually copied from the form, word for word):

1. IN THE PAST 12 MONTHS, what were the actual sales of all agricultural products from this property?
2. LAST MONTH, what was the cost of electricity for this house, apartment, or mobile home?
3. What is the highest degree or level of school this person has COMPLETED? Mark (X) ONE box. If currently enrolled, mark the previous grade or highest degree received.
4. Because of a physical, mental, or emotional condition, does this person have difficulty doing errands alone such as visiting a doctor’s office or shopping?
5. How many times has this person been married?
6. How many weeks DID this person work, even for a few hours, including paid vacation, paid sick leave, and military service?
7. Wages, salary, commissions, bonuses, or tips from all jobs. Report amount before deductions for taxes, bonds, dues, or other items.
8. Interest, dividends, net rental income, royalty income, or income from estates and trusts. Report even small amounts credited to an account.
9. What are the annual real estate taxes on THIS property?

WTF!? These are the kinds of questions that I don’t answer if my FRIENDS asked them.

Anyway, here’s the video I mentioned earlier, make your own conclusions:

This is both fantastic, and sad news.  The infamous and, quite possibly the most ridiculous, kick in the American balls to ever exist has been earmarked for destruction.

Why it’s fantastic:
With international eyes so closely focused on the US, this over-sized gas-guzzling monster added yet another stigma to the overweight, unhealthy, and greedy American personification.  The Hummer was so over-the-top that owners were the object of ridicule from even their American neighbors.  All of this doesn’t even mention the safety issue;  imagine for a moment being next to this dinosaur on a motorcycle or scooter!

Why it’s sad:
I am personally, very upset about this.   Every time I saw one of these mindless purchases I relished in the moment of rolling down my window and screaming “douchebag!” or “rich dummy!” at the top of my lungs.  Today marks the end of a staple in American society that wasn’t missed even by popular media.

Not to worry, I’m sure another company will step up to fill the void that Hummer has left behind.

Yesterday, a disgruntled software engineer (no, not me LOL) decided to kill himself in a terrorist-like plane crash into an IRS building in order to make a point. (http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2010/0218102stack1.html) Although I agree with his reasons and most of the 6 page diatribe left on his website, his means were certainly not the right way of going about getting the point across.  The IRS is no innocent establishment, but the people in that building got up yesterday, had coffee, and went to work just like the rest of us.

Today, Jacksonville news station News4Jax, posted an article of another disgruntled individual hit particularly hard with a lawsuit and the current recession.  When faced with a completely unfair foreclosure, he bulldozed the home he built to the ground stating:

“As far as what the bank is going to get, I plan on giving them back what was on this hill exactly (as) it was, I brought it out of the ground and I plan on putting it back in the ground”.

This guy, as a matter of contrast, is a fucking hero. (http://www.news4jax.com/nationalnews/22610178/detail.html)

Ho.  Lee.  SHIT.

What you’re about to watch here is “Faux” News not suggesting, but actually claiming that GOING to COLLEGE makes you a liberal and “dumbs kids down when it comes to basic questions of civic literacy”

http://video.foxnews.com/v/4016232/college-skews-political-spectrum

Quite possibly because I was educated in American public schools, I had no idea what “left” or “right”, “conservative” or “liberal” meant in the political realm until after high school.  That’s right, all those years of school and no one explained to me (including my AMERICAN GOVERNMENT class) what those words meant, and what the parties stood for.

In the interest of helping young people pick their political party affiliations, I have put together this helpful guide with a checklist.

Of course, we all know there are ‘other’ parties, but they will certainly never rise to power, so why bother even mentioning them…

So here we go!

Republican  [re·pub·li·can] :
(wikipedia)
The “right of center” American political party founded in 1854 who’s basic premise of membership is “Do you make more than $60,000 a year?” and “Are you terrified of a deity and his son?”.  The GOP (Grand Ole Party, look it up) has spent a good portion of the Obama presidency crying of fiscal responsibility while running this year’s winter meeting at a high-end hotel in Hawaii.  Today’s Republican is an angry, Tea Party member hellbent on skipping work to hold up poorly spelled signs who’s message is provided by the self-proclaimed conservative Glenn Beck.  The untold basis for this party is to protect the rich, and by rich, I mean Americans who are under the impression that they are well-to-do.  And by protect, I mean completely give up all rights and money to the truly rich.
Should I join this party?
A Republican checklist, do you:

• Watch, and believe everything you see on Fox news
• Fear your god, and provide him with money
• Hate homosexuals, but love Sarah Palin regardless of how fucking stupid she is.
• Don’t know the “Colbert Report” is a satire

Democrat  [dem′ə krat′] :
(wikipedia)
The “left of center” American political party self-described as “liberal”, notably older than it’s counterpart the Republican party.  The Democratic party consists of some of America’s most dimwitted sissy boys who, in the current congress, are absolutely terrified to vote on anything that might upset anyone even in the face of a majority strength (formerly a super-majority until just recently).  Membership in this party is powered by the “protect main street from the rich” mentality, although there isn’t a poor man in Washington regardless of political partisanship.

Should I join this party?
A Democratic checklist, do you:

• Believe that re-appointing the head of the Fed and massively greedy banks to fix the economy is a good idea.
• Fight the red-tie-wearing rich elite by taking pointers from… Blue-tie-wearing rich elite.
• Wish to be a vegetarian because scantily-clad supermodels are in cages.
• Anyone has ever called you a “liberal douchebag”

Remember that post about that “Won’t get fooled again” song by The Who?  Yeah, I figured you forgot…  Go read it again.

So here we are… Again… Right back to where we started.  Some might remember Ben Bernanke, the lovable head of the US Federal Reserve.  I mean, Time Magazine even made him man of the year in 09!  Sure!  Anything was better than that Greenspan jack ass, right?!

Of course that was before everything started to head south.  That was before the bubble on sub-prime lending (basically akin to lending money to gophers and expecting to get it back, two-fold), selling off “A-rated” securities to countries that don’t even speak English (nor probably even know that they’re buying bad bets on real estate in the US), and a 10% unemployment rate.

Basically, he was the man, until everything fell the fuck apart.

The good news is, we learn from our past:

• Tomorrow’s banking surely won’t be led by the same asshat who helped get us into this mess.
• Tomorrow’s lending regulations will be stiff, but fair so America can start lending again.
• Tomorrow’s banking regulations will protect those of us on “Main St” from getting screwed in the ass… Again… By the same greedy bankers that we’ve surely thrown out of their posh offices.

Well… No, actually.  None of that is taking place.

The asshat is back at the helm, the same greedy, rich, jackasses that drove our economy into the toilet are still in positions of power at your favorite banking and insurance institutions, and we’re getting ready to start the madness all over again.

And no one seems to care.

The truth is, the current economic tide is so rocky that we’re willing to accept anything at all to get ‘back on our feet’.  Americans are so hungry for a new Hummer or some other overpriced pile of steel that we’re all anxiously awaiting the day when some Fed big wig or NYSE jockey comes on TV and tells us that it’s OK to start buying shit we don’t need again.

Hey, Mr. President!  Do us a favor and Google the following sentence:

“what caused the recession”

Make legislation based on that, not the folks in the banking and insurance industries that fund your re-election campaign.

This is an interesting (albeit obvious) graph.

I’m no statistician, but it looks to me that as religion goes up, so does divorce and crime.

Don’t bother with the hate mail, this is statistical fact.  I’m just posting it.

Tonight is gearing up to be an interesting speech by the 43rd (technically) president of the United States.  In case you didn’t know, or live in a box, 9pm EST is the State of the Union address.

In a whirlwind of general American anger, distrust and recession, this guy’s speech writers have a lot of work cut out for them.  Luckily, the average American is an idiot, and people are so hungry for someone with a positive message he could rattle off Bible verses, and the country would still stand in awe.

So here’s what to look for, and what to be on the look out for:

Earlier today Obama spokesman Robert Gibbs stated: “The president is going to explain why he thinks the American people are angry”  Any speech writer or first year psych major can tell you that the basic premise of this is to connect with the audience, and align himself with them.  Pretty smart… If it works.

Keep an eye out for the President’s famous “story time” as well.  He will almost certainly share the “woe’s of a family that’s had it rough” to further the listener alignment.

Hopefully, after the fluff and verbal shoulder rubbing we’ll get to some real meat.

The expected topics include:

• Increased funding for Education reforms with emphasis on student/teacher performance
• Health care… Again.
• New job legislation (although I doubt there will be any actual details here)
• A freeze on spending (claimed to be domestic spending, but what is the sense in that?)
• And, inevitably we’ll hear “government reform” again.  But this has yet to be defined in my opinion.

So there you have it.  Tune in tonight and we’ll see just how accurate my predictions are.  Here’s a spoiler, change the words above and read with conviction.  There’s your speech…

An “avid” reader posted this on a forum I frequent:

I too go to [KeyboardDevil] for views on current events. I find he and keyborddevil.com to be as accurate as most of our news choices I especially like the Best Blog Ever section !!
It is the main reason my relationship stays solid .. He has saved my marriage on several occasions.

See? I’m doing something good. LOL