Zombies, end of days, and more failure

Zombies Walk Sydney City StreetsAs the now-famous Miami “Face-Chewing” victim continues to heal from his zombie apocalypse moment, and we’ve managed to scrape by on another end-of-the-world scenario, I’d like to look back on another year in ridiculousness and stupidity.

This would-be criminal used his smartphone to display his stick-em-up note.

Presumably potato-educated guy in Idaho gives police fake name while wearing very visible tattoo of his actual name.

Some genius tried to get a newscaster deported for exercising his right to free speech.

Can't make this shit upThe only thing better than Republican Todd Akin’s comments about the female body rejecting rape sperm was this judge repeating it.  Seriously, these guys are fucking awesome at being asshats.

While we’re on the subject, a Google search for Rick Santorum no longer results in… Bodily fluids and… “interesting” images.

Somebody please tell this guy to stop talking to chairs and that he should stick to movies.  In fact, scratch that last part.

Media Monster“Honey Boo Boo”, Donald Trump, Justin Bieber and Ashton Kutcher are still on TV.  Come on America, it’s just insulting at this point.

Fucktard Mark Basseley Youssef makes a shitty hate movie, world blames his shitty movie for every violent act for weeks.

This fiscal bullshit is still happening proving yet again that the idiot we voted for is exactly as useless as the rest of the idiots we voted for.  In related news, I still tell everyone I’m Canadian when I travel internationally.

Disney proved (again) that they can release an agonizingly bad film, and still be involved in some pretty cool ones.

151 people died in mass shootings this year, and our nation’s response is to ban guns.  Being that I’m awfully fond of my car, I’m not going to mention this year’s projected 32,000 deaths caused by traffic accidents.

Please stop

I could go on, but do I really have to?  I think we can all agree that this horse is barely recognizable as a mammal at this point.  I hate to be the “this-year-was-the-worst” guy on the internet, but come on America!!  This is embarrassing on a global scale.

The best laid plans of… Idiots

I read an article earlier today explaining why Romney lost the election.  The writer claimed that his biggest problem was the absence of cash early in the campaign.  Other articles have claimed that the 47% gaffe cost Romney the win, and still others are sticking with the Latino vote or maybe it was “all the single ladies”.

But the truth is that none of these is solely responsible for Mitt’s loss, and honestly, the combination of all of them still doesn’t account for Obama’s win.  The real reason wasn’t Hispanic voters and anyone who owns a TV or a radio knows it sure as hell wasn’t related to campaign funding.  It was Mitt himself.

How quickly we forget the early days of the circus-like battle for the Republican nomination.  The most entertaining part of the entire election process, for me, was to watch the almost overnight “support” that Mitt Romney created when it was clear he would get the official Republican nomination.  Now, you’ll have to think back a bit, through the haze of campaign commercials and robo-calls.  Let’s think back to a time where Romney was not only trailing behind the infamously insane Rick Santorum, but even crazier Michele Bachmann, and way behind “Moon-base” Newt Gingrich.  No one was singing his praises then…  But I digress.  It is silly of me to think Republican voters weren’t “all in” on their pal Mitt from the start.

Or is it?

Maybe what really happened here is that the GOP settled for the candidate who said the least number of fucking-stupid things in public.  Maybe the right just decided that cult-ish white-bread mayonnaise wasn’t quite as bad as a heaping helping of bat-shit crazy horse radish.  And, this seemed like a safe play.  Well, right up until the media got a heavy helping of Mormonism’s wacky beliefs and Pseudo-religious Republican rape commentary.

It’s post time, Republican leadership.  Time to accept that, not only did you put a douche-canoe in a completely unfair position of having to run against a far less douchey politician, but you’ve completely lost control of your party altogether.  It’s not hard, really, to pick out the exact point when things started to spiral out of control.  You were never “in control”.  And to even suggest that you had a handle on the evolution of your own platform is just completely invalid.

And while we’re on the topic of post time, I’d like to take a minute and call out the Romney fans.  You aren’t Romney fans, you are “Guy-Who-Is-Not-Obama” fans.  Seriously, you would have voted for Republican nominee Count Dracula if he was running against Obama, so stop telling everyone what a huge Romney fan you are.

None of you fucktards even knew he existed before he started shaking his rich ass in your face at the Republican National Convention debates.

So what happened to the Republican party platform?

The Tea Party happened.  Started by the GOP as “a far right-wing” group (presumably to make the rest of the party appear more centrist) “The Tea Party” concept has now totally backfired and completely taken over the Republican party.  Unsurprisingly, this has left no discernible centrist opinion on the red side of the isle and systematically alienated all but the most religious and thereby, least logical, of the bunch.  I don’t want to ruin the end of the movie, GOP, but most of the country is CENTRIST.  Seriously mind blowing stuff, I know!  Sorry you had to find out this way.

The Good News

If nothing else at least we’ve proven that the Faux News fear mongering, although almost as addictive as Jerry Springer, didn’t sway the American public to the point of actually electing this guy based solely on the fact that he “isn’t Obama”.  Additionally, just like the last dozen wanna-be-President-elects, Romney will quietly slip into 3rd page news and continue to make insanely stupid commentary distancing him from the rest of the population from the sidelines.

The Bad News

We have, yet again, proven that out of 300 million Americans, the best we can come up with is more bought-and-paid-for, corporate-backed whores who stand for nothing and will completely change their “beliefs” on a moment’s notice to get your vote.

Censor this

Censor this, you wacky cult:

http://www.xenu.net/

http://exscientologykids.com/

http://leavescientology.blogspot.com/2008/02/if-youve-made-it-here-youre-halfway.html

http://psychassualt.org/

http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2012/07/05/are-list-scientologist-scandals-hurting-church-in-hollywood/

http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2011/02/14/110214fa_fact_wright

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Scientology-1751/Lord-Xenu.htm

http://www.cs.cmu.edu/~dst/Fishman/time-behar.html

http://www.rickross.com/groups/scientology.html

News article explaining how the “church” of Scientology has asked its followers to try and censor internet commentary with negative comments.

Ad Spam and your mother

Something I think we’ve all noticed about the internet since its inception, is the shady and misleading ways advertisers get people to click on ads.  Interestingly enough, with all of the frivolous litigation, rules, laws, and standards flying around in the last 15 years, just about nothing has been done (legally or otherwise) about misleading web advertisements, banners, buttons, and other devices.  Take a look at the screenshot of news.yahoo.com just to your left and you’ll see just how crafty those fuckers are getting.  Looks like news doesn’t it?  Would your mom know the difference?

Your mom clicks all kinds of banners, buttons, links, Facebook apps and chain-email scams.  If I had a dollar for everytime I had to remove spyware, adware, and crapware from my parents’ PC, I wouldn’t have to rely on this blog for income.  ((Note: This blog makes no money…  It is written solely for warming hearts, and enriching minds.))

In fact, some of the more modern click-traps have become so advanced, you and I have even clicked them before realizing we’re being suckered into visiting some advertiser’s website.

Twenty years ago, when an advertiser made false claims, tricked people into buying products they didn’t want or need, or trapped consumers in basically any way, those companies didn’t last.  The word boycott was thrown around with great enthusiasm, and once word got out that someone was ripped off, those ads, the station they were affiliated with, and all involved were forced out, shut down, or ridiculed to obscurity.

But we don’t do that with the internet.  For some reason the internet has created an unspoken “shame on me” mentality after being deliberately tricked into clicking an ad.  How the hell did we get here?  And how do we get back?  And what the hell is wrong with my back button, I don’t want this car insurance!

Literature saved my life?

Reading the book Fahrenheit 451 was a huge moment in my life.  In my early teens, with very little direction and no future plans for my life that didn’t include skateboarding and punk rock, one of my favorite teachers lent me a copy of the book with the promise “I think you’ll like this”.

And I did like it.  I loved it.  Shortly there after I read Martian Chronicles and I Sing the Body Electric.

Within the pages of those books, Ray Bradbury would change my life forever by encouraging me to chase a degree in literature which later changed to “mass communications” which opened my eyes to the then-still-emerging world of the internet, and got me hooked on programming for the web.

Thank you, Mr Bradbury.  Thanks for the incredible stories, and changing my life.

Take a minute and listen to this recording of Ray talking about typing out the first draft of Fahrenheit for $9.80.

Ray died today at the age of 91.

Know your user

As a software developer, one of the most interesting sources of “how will a person USE my product” has been watching my parents use a computer.  A while back, I blogged about a cameraman approaching random people on the street and asking them “which browser do you use?” and getting “Google.com” as an answer about 90% of the time. (For the non-techies reading this:  A browser is the program you open to GET ON THE WEB (like Internet Explorer or Firefox), Google.com is a website that you use to SEARCH THE WEB.)

A coworker of mine sent me another eye-opening video where a somewhat elderly father tries to use the Metro interface on Windows 8 for the first time while his son films the struggle.

I really hope Microsoft takes notice (they won’t).  This is indicative of when anyone uses a new system for the first time, specifically the older generation.  Just because a “feature” looks obvious to you (the developer), doesn’t mean others will find it intuitive.

A shark named Montel

If you watch Comedy Central (@ComedyCentral) and other cable channels during prime time, you’ve no doubt seen the loan sharking commercials in which former-fallen-from-spotlight Montel Williams (@Montel_Williams) endorses a pay-day-advance company called Money Mutual.

A quick Google search finds literally hundreds of people burned by this company, it’s high interest rates, and shady business practices.  Even people he’s known professionally are speaking out against the company and other forms of predatory lending.

This is just straight out horse shit:

Celebrated talk show host and Daytime Emmy Award winner Montel Williams associates himself only with products that help people live better physically, spiritually, financially and emotionally. He understands that people will find themselves with difficult to pay expenses due to lack of funds or credit and agrees that a cash advance can provide the needed quick assistance and help avoid more costly fees.

Running this ad ever seems morally corrupt, but at a time in this country when the general populous is most vulnerable to this kind of corporate thievery is far worse.  Right in the middle of record unemployment?  Right smack in the center of the largest recession in American history?  FUCKING REALLY?  Comedy Central and other cable affiliates who run these ads should be ashamed of themselves.

Money Mutual is a predatory lending facility who’s business model is financially burning people, and collecting on it.

And Montel Williams is a real piece of work for encouraging people to do business with them.  I hope this goes viral and the internet serves you a dish of hate you so smugly deserve.

Healthy momentum

I know 90% of you come here for the political, religious, and logical stuff, but I still like to share with the other 10% how life is progressing from a personal standpoint.

So those 10%’ers are familiar with my fairly recent healthy life changes like kicking the smoke habit back in September, and getting signed up at a gym in February.  3 days a week at the gym for 3 months, and making healthier food choices (no fast food, no fried foods/appetizers, easy on the heavy carbs, etc)

So, is it working?

Short answer:  Yes.
Long answer:  My blood pressure went from 131/90 to 123/77 and my resting heart rate went from 90 to 66.  So, fuck yeah it works…  At least for cardio.  I’m still working on getting big results on the outside.  But, with time and repetition, I’m sure I’ll get there.

Side note, if you’re looking to get started in “being fit” a cool piece of technology I came across (thanks Erik!) is the FitBit.  Check it out, might help you on your way!

Again America?

So, we’ve managed to do it again.  320 million Americans and we managed to pick two more asshats to run against each other for president.

This would be fucking hilarious if it wasn’t completely true.

Once again, we’ve empowered “our” presidential choices to stand up for what they really believe in:  Big oil, the money-swallowing war machine, overwhelming poverty, continued unemployment, and special interest lobbying.  Congratulations America!  You did it again!  I would say I’m surrounded by idiots, but how would that be different from any other day?  So run, Americans!  Run out and vote for your favorite asshat!  Vote like it makes a difference which one of these shitbags ends up with the reigns!  But make mo mistake… It doesn’t.  Neither of these guys care about you.  Neither of these guys care about your job.  And neither of them give a single shit about your kids’ education, your local economy, your religious beliefs, gay marriage, religion in schools, or the price of tea in China.

Stop kidding yourself America!  Presidential elections are about power and money for the nominees and their special interest groups, and NOTHING else.

Quoting my friend (and avid reader) Alakriti:

I’ve invented my own IQ test, a piece of paper, saying “Which of these people are most qualified for President: 1) Obama 2) Romney” anything short of tearing up the paper and throwing it in the garbage you’re considered mentally retarded.

Nugget for brains

Asshat.  You see that word a lot on my blog.  I use it to describe the lowest-bottom-feeding douchebags, and I think Mr Nugent is certainly no exception.  In fact, I’ve been thinking (since starting this blog) that asshat isn’t enough of a description.

Ted Nugent has been in the news pretty regularly since Obama took office.  Apparently, writing a hit song 30 years ago is what qualifies today’s political experts.

So, let me break down what Nugget brains and I agree on:
“If guns cause crime, all of mine are defective.” – Ted Nugent
I couldn’t agree more.  Guns no more cause crime than hammers cause houses to be built.

And… That’s about it.  Second amendment rights should be protected with great vigilance and effort.

Here’s some more “quotables” by the genius Nugent:

  • “If Barack Obama becomes the president in November, again, I will be either be dead or in jail by this time next year.”
  • “Big bangs don’t make this, … That’s not a big bang. God made that. That’s a liver. That’s mystical. You and I can’t make livers. Things banging don’t make livers. This is mystical stuff. This is magic. This is perfection.”
  • “Obama’s a piece of shit, and I told him to suck on my machine gun”
  • “War is good when good survives and evil is crushed. If you don’t crush evil then evil will get you.”

First, verbally threatening political figures is dangerous, but you’ll find out about that pretty soon.  Secondly discounting the creation of the Earth by calling on an imaginary guy in the sky is like blaming thunder on Aliens with gas.  Finally, war… is never good.  War is NEVER good, Ted.  In fact, some of the brightest minds in the world have argued that it isn’t EVER NECESSARY.

Ted, you are no hero.  You are an asshat that embodies everything that is wrong with America.  You are every reason I tell people (internationally) that I am Canadian when I travel.  You are an embarrassment to Americans, and more to the point, mankind.

Penny bids?

There’s a hot new sham flooding the internet, and it’s called “penny bids”.  You’ve seen the TV commercials:  Companies like Quibids,Beezid, and similar websites claim that you can “win” high-end items like IPads and laptops for super-low prices like $50.  And this is true…  But there’s a catch.  I was going to leave this alone until a well known gun site that I occasionally shop through just started doing this as well.  2 seconds of research and you’ll see that other sites are talking about this as well.

The bidding works like this:

  1. You (the user) PURCHASE bids.  You might get 500 bids for $500 for example.
  2. The auctioning site posts up an IPad (retail price $500).
  3. You bid 50 “bids” on the IPad, costing you $50.
  4. You get outbid by someone else at 51 (cost $51).
  5. So you bid 60 (cost: $60).
  6. You get outbid again at 65.
  7. If 20 people were bidding, and they bid 50 each, ALL OF THOSE BID DOLLARS ARE SPENT.  Meaning: you are out $60, the other 20 people are out $50 each, and the one “winner” gets the IPad.
  8. The winner has paid $65 for the IPad, but the auctioning site has made a total of $1125.00 for ONE IPAD.  Nice business model, no?

If something seems too good to be true, it usually is.

Greatest blog, ever?

Entertaining is looking over the Google search terms that result in hits to my page.  If you use Google analytics on your website you know what I’m talking about.

A few interesting one’s from the list from traffic over the past year:

#1 and #5:(the) pussification of america

#4:satire for dummies

#10:  “pedo pope

 

But by far, the most interesting is number 24: “greatest blog ever“.  Out of curiosity, I google’d it, and… I’m on the first page!!  (REVISIT, 5/4/2012 I’m NUMBER 3 now!)

Both hilarious and awesome, now there can be no doubt:

This is the greatest blog ever… And, you’re welcome.