No, join my party.
Quite possibly because I was educated in American public schools, I had no idea what “left” or “right”, “conservative” or “liberal” meant in the political realm until after high school. That’s right, all those years of school and no one explained to me (including my AMERICAN GOVERNMENT class) what those words meant, and what the parties stood for.
In the interest of helping young people pick their political party affiliations, I have put together this helpful guide with a checklist.
Of course, we all know there are ‘other’ parties, but they will certainly never rise to power, so why bother even mentioning them…
So here we go!
Republican [re·pub·li·can] :
(wikipedia)
The “right of center” American political party founded in 1854 who’s basic premise of membership is “Do you make more than $60,000 a year?” and “Are you terrified of a deity and his son?”. The GOP (Grand Ole Party, look it up) has spent a good portion of the Obama presidency crying of fiscal responsibility while running this year’s winter meeting at a high-end hotel in Hawaii. Today’s Republican is an angry, Tea Party member hellbent on skipping work to hold up poorly spelled signs who’s message is provided by the self-proclaimed conservative Glenn Beck. The untold basis for this party is to protect the rich, and by rich, I mean Americans who are under the impression that they are well-to-do. And by protect, I mean completely give up all rights and money to the truly rich.
Should I join this party?
A Republican checklist, do you:
- Watch, and believe everything you see on Fox news
- Fear your god, and provide him with money
- Hate homosexuals, but love Sarah Palin regardless of how fucking stupid she is.
- Don’t know the “Colbert Report” is a satire
Democrat [dem′ə krat′] :
(wikipedia)
The “left of center” American political party self-described as “liberal”, notably older than it’s counterpart the Republican party. The Democratic party consists of some of America’s most dimwitted sissy boys who, in the current congress, are absolutely terrified to vote on anything that might upset anyone even in the face of a majority strength (formerly a super-majority until just recently). Membership in this party is powered by the “protect main street from the rich” mentality, although there isn’t a poor man in Washington regardless of political partisanship.
Should I join this party?
A Democratic checklist, do you:
- Believe that re-appointing the head of the Fed and massively greedy banks to fix the economy is a good idea.
- Fight the red-tie-wearing rich elite by taking pointers from… Blue-tie-wearing rich elite.
- Wish to be a vegetarian because scantily-clad supermodels are in cages.
- Anyone has ever called you a “liberal douchebag”